Love, Trust, and Faith
by Elizabeth1985
Summary: When Cas loses faith in Dean, he unleashes his rage with fists, until Dean demands a different punishment that slowly builds into more. Will what they have together endure the lives they lead? This is DESTIEL smut. Contains Sex, M/M, language. I do not own Supernatural. Also some of the lines are form the show as my story flows a bit from actual scenes. I do not own cover image.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Set during 18 - Point of No Return – Alternate ending where Dean reacts to Cas throwing punches in a completely different way. Cas sees an opportunity to bring Dean back to life. **

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His shoulder blades crunched as his body was slammed against the brick wall with the force of Castiel's anger.

"I rebelled for this?! So that you could surrender to them?" Cas screamed at him, his face inches away and his mouth contorted in a snarl. Dean was shoved over, his back scraping the rough wall, and then a fist slammed against his face and pain exploded into his cheek bone. His eye felt like it would pop from the pressure.

"Cas! Please!" He cried, unable to stand the disappointment emanating from his best friend. Another blow landed on him, and he felt the blood burst through broken skin on his lower lip. His vision clouded as his eye began to swell.

"I gave everything for you. And this is what you give to me!" Dean was thrown onto the ground. Castiel hovered above him and a fist came flying towards him again. The crack sent his head whipping to the side. He hardly felt the pain in his head and face, it was the way Cas was looking at him that really killed him.

The beating didn't matter. There was only a small spark left inside him with the will to fight and trying to grab hold of it was like trying to climb up a greased metal pipe. He wanted Cas to hurt him, he wanted the angel to make him as broken on the outside as he felt on the inside. But as another lick of pain shot into him as his shoulders and head were lifted off the ground only to be quickly reacquainted with it again – he realized that it wasn't enough.

Using the little strength that his body still had, he reached up to Cas who was straddled across his stomach, and grabbed the front of his shirt and tie, just below his neck, and cranked him down good and low so they were face to face.

"If you want to hurt me, this isn't the way to do it." He choked out raggedly through his banged up face. He felt raw and let go of the man, pushing him back so that the angel was now sitting on his lap, while Dean remained crumpled on the ground beneath him.

Dean moved his hips in an effort to convey what he wanted.

The impending death made him reckless, and the disappointment and hatred he saw in Castiel's face made him needy.

And so he begged… for what? He wasn't sure exactly. He wanted Cas to use him, to be with him, because it would rip his heart out. Because no matter how many times he'd pushed out the weird vibe he felt between himself and the angel, he could no longer deny it was there. What was the point, anyway - it would be irrelevant in less than twenty-four hours.

"Dean?!" Cas's expression was one of complete and utter shock, as if this was the last thing he'd expected when he started the whole fist-to-face dance. And really… Dean hadn't expected it either. But the thought of Cas tearing him down with his fists was one thing… he could handle that.

_This_… he couldn't.

Castiel disappeared and Dean let out a half grunt, half sob, and threw an arm across his eyes to hide from himself. The pressure of his arm lit off sparks of pain in and around his eye. The little points of sharp sensation ebbing as each nerve was irritated by the increased pressure from the flow of blood to the area. He focused on that. Dean looked into the blackness that was his eyelids and felt the pain in his face, his shoulders. Everything was empty and lost. He had nothing. Sam was going to lose to Lucifer –so why shouldn't he say yes to Michael. It was the only option left. At least he had a measure of hope of saving some of the world… maybe. Probably not. A fight between Lucifer and Michael would probably rip the planet to shreds.

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**A/N: This could have been one really long single story, but I preferred the layout broken into smaller individual chapters. Enjoy and please review. Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Contains a lot of M/M, graphic Destiel goodness.**

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A heavy weight pressed into his hips and Dean lifted his arm a couple inches to peer above him. He found Cas looking down at him with a hard look of resignation.

A hand came down onto his shoulder, and in the same instant, the pavement relaxed under him, his weight easing into it. It was then he realized that he was no longer in the alley. He let his arm fall to the side and felt the light hit his eyes causing him to wince from the pain like he had a bitch of a migraine. The lights immediately dimmed but not before he noticed they were in a hotel room and Dean was definitely on a bed, and Cas was definitely still on top of him. He eyed the angel like a lifeboat.

Cas reached out and grabbed both of his arms, placing them above his head and left them there. Dean watched Cas nervously. It was one thing to ask for something in desperation and another to get it, he thought as he watched Cas pull at the blue tie that was always loosely settled around his neck. The tie came undone, and Cas leaned over him and used the tie to secure both his wrists to the bars on the headboard. Dean's breathing picked up considerably at the reality of what was happening. And just as he'd anticipated, he felt a heavy pressure in his chest, a symptom of the pain to come.

Castiel's face gave nothing away. He methodically removed Dean's clothes; having to rip the shirt at the arms otherwise he would have had to undo the bind on his wrists.

When Dean was completely naked, he wished his hands were free. Being naked had never bothered him before, but with Cas it felt different. The angel's eyes were all over him, and they finally settled on his battered face. A hand moved to touch his check and he flinched.

"Don't" He knew the angel was about to remove the traces of his earlier rage.

"Dean?" Cas stilled and closed his hand mid-air. "Why do you want this? Why … " Cas was on the verge of calling it quits, Dean could tell. Whatever had compelled him to go this far was waning rapidly.

"Because you're the only thing that matters right now." And maybe…just maybe, it would make him feel _something_. It he felt pain, then great –he deserved it. And if he felt something else… something good –well then it would be a revelation.

"And because, one way or another, we're going to die tomorrow." He tongued his split lip and tasted the metallic blood in his mouth. Castiel's face hardened with anger again.

"What happened to you?" The angel asked sharply, a sense of his earlier fury building once again.

"Cas…" He begged now. He didn't want to talk about it. The angel descended on him and those full lips pressed against his own with enough force to make him flinch from the pain on his lip and teeth. He took it though. The kiss was more than he'd expected. He felt the angel lick at the blood on his lips and the pain disappeared. His eyes whipped open in angry accusation.

"Don't worry, the rest of your face is still a mess if that's the way you want it." Cas' mouth was on his again, this time even more insistent. The angel's tongue pushed open his mouth, sliding inside to lick and taste him. He moved his own mouth and tongue in response, pulling at the restraints above him, wishing he could touch the being who'd become his best friend, his family, and, oh fuck… so much more. More than he'd ever admitted to himself.

His hips moved up off the bed, trying to get friction against something, but Cas moved off of him down to the end of the bed.

The angel stroked his legs, massaged them, and ran his blunt fingernails across the flesh as he moved up higher and higher. When Cas reached the insides of his thighs, his stomach tightened and his erection jerked. Castiel smirked despite himself.

"Dean, if this is what you want, I don't think you've quite realized what you signed up for." He grinned down at Dean. "But you're right… this is a much better way to convince you." A finger traced the indent connecting his thigh to his groin and he shivered.

"You're not-" He'd been about to argue that there was no convincing him but a hand had appeared over his mouth, silencing his refute.

"I'd rather not gag you." Said the angel and Dean's mouth dropped against the heavy palm, his jaw clicking from being hit with Cas' fist.

Dean said nothing after that. When did Castiel become so… not innocent? And not to mention a fuck-load more knowledgeable about sex? He hadn't a damn clue.

Long minutes passed as his best friend continued to lightly touch him everywhere but _there_. He was straining and wondering idly if this was the torture he'd asked for.

This …_'almost-but-not-quite'_ sensation.

A large swipe of the angel's hand moved from his neck, to his shoulder and down his side, to complete its journey over his leg and ending with a pinch to his big toe which felt playful and caused a constricting feeling to spread across his chest – reaffirming his reason for wanting this in the first place.

Cas stood at the end of the bed and shrugged out of the trench coat, letting it fall to the floor. Which really should have been some kind of sacrilege, Dean thought. The perfectly sculpted hands began to unhook the buttons on his dress shirt, exposing the smooth expanse of chest and stomach beneath. Dean couldn't remember seeing Cas without clothes on… ever. The planes of his body were hard and muscled. Dean never thought the sight of a man's chest would do it for him, but then again, this was Cas. More blood rushed to his already hard length of flesh laying partly against his lower abdomen, the increase in pressure made it rise up off of him, only to be met by air.

Cas paused momentarily as he brought his fingers to the clasp of his trousers. He looked at Dean, whose head was straining as he held it off the bed enough to see what was happening.

Cas removed the belt, and proceeded with the rest of the mechanism. He pushed them down along with his white plain boxers. The angel stood before him naked and as glorious as the first time he'd ever saw him.

Cas smiled crookedly then and the room darkened further, a light shone out from within Castiel and dark, long shadows appeared behind him –his wings. _Oh God….It was a sight. _The realization of how much they'd been through together flowed through him and his eyes stung with unshed tears.

Everything returned to normal, except his breathing… and his heart rate… and the throbbing down below. Hell, the only thing that returned to normal was the lighting in the frickin' room.

Castiel came back onto the bed and kneeled between Dean's legs. _Fuck….oh, shit._

A hand came down between his legs and finally touched him. Cas ran a finger down the length of him, moving below to cup his sac and tug slightly. Dean arched involuntarily. A firmer grip wrapped around him and he let out a loud moan. The hand disappeared much too quickly and returned lower…. _Much lower._

Dean had been with an adventurous woman here and there, and done his share of playing around but this was so incredibly different.

This was Cas.

Cas was touching him; moving across his opening, pushing at it and circling his finger around it. His breath panted and his head pushed back against the mattress just as he felt Cas' finger push inside of him.

"Ohhh…" He tensed his legs and they pulled closer together in an automatic reaction. Cas used his free hand to hold his one leg out to the side. That Cas was basically holding him open, exposing him, as he fingered him, was enough to have the sweat beading on his skin. The rivulets of salty water left a tickling sensation behind as they moved across his body being pulled down by gravity and his own inconsistent movements.

The room grew hot and his body flushed. A slow burn was building in the bottom of his stomach.

There was added pressure and he knew Cas had likely added another digit. The angel began stretching him, and splitting his fingers wide, leaving him writhing against the wicked invasion.

A warmth and wetness engulfed his erection and his eyes flashed open to see Cas swallowing him down. He bowed off the bed with enough force that Cas had to hold him down with a firm hand since he was probably choking him. The pressure built and then burst like a bubble when Cas pulled off of him. Dean groaned in desperation.

He felt Cas' hands grab hold of the underside of his knees and his legs were pushed back towards himself. He squeezed his eyes shut… he didn't want to see Cas enter him. The image would haunt him.

But nothing happened.

He tentatively opened his eyes and Castiel was looking down at him in irritation and bated anger. "I will keep you on the brink and barely touch you if you don't keep your eyes on me." His voice was rougher and deeper than Dean had ever heard it.

His green eyes fixated on his best friend. And Dean had been right –the image alone would kill him, if nothing else did.

Castiel's focus remained on him as well, except for the brief moment his eyes glanced downward as he handled himself, bringing his own erection to the place his fingers had been.

"Ohhh fuck…" Dean breathed out as the pressure increased enough that his body pulled up on the bed reflexively.

Cas' hands on his legs pulled him back down, increasing the pressure further and Dean heaved the air in and out of his mouth; his chest moving up and down in rapid motion. Cas was watching him, and his own features were a mixture of delirium and emotion.

When he was fully sheathed inside, they both stilled, getting used to the feeling. For him, it was the immensity of being filled and stretched. His abs and chest were flexing as his body tried to get used to the intrusion. For Cas, it was the tight, warm, slick feeling along the entire length of his arousal that had him yearning to buck his hips but instinct made him wait.

When Dean relaxed as much as possible, Castiel starting moving in slow, very minute movements. The pace and length of each stroke increased, sending them both into an abyss of pleasure. Castiel leaned down onto his chest and began kissing him passionately. The kiss was so commanding that Dean could hardly breathe. It added to the feeling of being trapped which somehow turned him on even more.

Cas nudged his own thighs a little under Dean's hips and the change in angle made Dean cry out on the next thrust of Cas' thick cock inside of him. Sparks lit off in his body like shrapnel from a bomb and his vision became really blurry. Each time the angel filled him, he hit that sweet spot and Dean's body began trembling and struggling, not from pain, but from the intensity. _It was too much… oh fuck, it was too much._

"Cas!" He called out through his hoarse dry throat. A hand gripped him tight and began stroking him fast.

His orgasm exploded out of him with a force he'd never experienced before. His cum went _everywhere_. It was all over Cas, and on his own chest and stomach.

His body was still moving in a rhythm against the mattress and he looked up, coming back to himself, just in time to see Cas' features contort in pleasured agony as he reached his own completion. The angel let out a gravelly thread of sound that was a mixture of yelling and some muffled words in what sounded like Enochian.

When their breathing started to regulate, Dean let his legs fall to the sides, and lifted his head to see Cas looking down, the angel's hands gripping Dean's thighs.

Dean started but Cas interrupted with a look as he raised his head. "I hope you don't think that's it." He warned.

Cas grabbed his left leg and moved it over to the other side of his body. Strong hands grabbed his waist and turned him in one swift movement so that he was now face-down on the bed. The tie securing his hands was now twisted and little tighter, but thankfully, not enough to cut off circulation.

_There was no way… _

His thoughts were interrupted pointedly by a knee moving one of his legs up on the mattress. He breathed into the pillow and braced himself for more.

There was no build up this time. Castiel pushed himself in all the way so he was flush against Dean's ass. A hand gripped his cheek tightly as the pressure increased further.

Dean's face was throbbing with pain from the pressure of the pillow and blankets against his smashed up cheek and eye.

Surprising himself, his cock hardened against the mattress, the pressure constricting and almost painful trapped there beneath him. He didn't normally have that kind of rebound time but considering who he was with probably had a lot to do with it.

It didn't take long and he could feel Cas' movements building to a crescendo. The angel's moans and grunts of pleasure becoming more primal and louder. His own release was racing for the finish line as well.

A hand pressed heavy into his lower back as Castiel braced himself and let loose unto completion. Dean's erection jerked violently in the same moment, the wetness seeping into the bed beneath him.

"Ohh…fuck.." He grunted into the pillow, unable to stop his body from shuddering. The spurts of warm liquid still spilling out of him onto the now very messy comforter.

"You forget Dean," Came Castiel's voice whispery and out of breath from behind him, "that I have the ability to manipulate your body in any way I please, and if that means making you come over and over again until you come back to yourself, then I will." To emphasize his point, he man-handled Dean's body until he was placed on the bed on all fours, his hands close together at the top of the bed. Castiel reached around the outside of his hips and grabbed his softening member, which instantly became hard again. The rush of blood moved into his cock with such speed that it made him dizzy and he would have fallen over if Castiel hadn't held him in place.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Please note that some direct lines are taken from the show as my story builds around some of the same scenes. I do not own any Supernatural, nor do I own those lines, or the characters, etc...**

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_And so it continued…._

It was hours later… and who knows how many orgasms later. Dean had long ago stopped wondering where the release was coming from. There was no way his body could have produced that much semen unaided by an angel. In fact, if it wasn't for Cas, he imagined he would be in a world of pain right now. Instead, each stroke into him felt as good as the last one.

Castiel was on top of him again, his back against the bed. The sex was slow this time and Dean was close to passing out… again. But just when he thought he couldn't take anymore, he would get a second wind. And then a third… and shit… he was probably in the upper twenties now in the wind department.

His angel was moving deliberately slow in and out of him. A relaxed light stroking of his extremely sensitive, yet still hard, arousal was teasing him to yet another release.

He could feel the pressure building and not the kind in his balls, but the intensity in his chest that only came from a strong emotion. His sternum felt like it would crack from the pressure. His body was slick with sweat and the results of their sex.

They were moving together in a symphony of slow, wavelike movements. Cas licked into his mouth and kissedhim as he moved hotly with agonizing patience in and out of his body. The angel's muscled body was coiled tightly over him, his back arching in a curve, shifting as his hips moved forward and backwards.

Dean could no longer close his eyes, they were glued to the deep blue depths above him. He was falling into those eyes and the man they belonged to, and any second he would have a heart attack and die. At least, that's what it felt like.

The sight of Castiel watching him became blurry and he was aware that his eyes had watered enough that it was clouding his vision. Through the watery filter he saw Castiel's features soften with… _fuck…_was that love? He didn't want to see that. That hurt more than anything.

Just in case the nail in his coffin wasn't complete, Castiel palmed the side of his face and stopped kissing him long enough to say the words that finally tore him down completely.

"I love you Dean."

He felt the warm wet streaks seep out of his eyes and slide down his temples and into his hair.

"Oh… God… Cas, stop. Please stop." He pleaded through sobs, his voice rough and tired. The angel paused all movement and stared down at him. Castiel wasn't shocked or worried by the request, he'd been expecting it.

"Dean?" He prompted.

"I can't… I can't do this. I can't be like this with you and then lose everything…" He wanted to rip his hands out of their restraints and close down into himself.

"Dean… You need to fight. It's what you've always done. Trust my faith in you." Castiel kissed him again and he sobbed freely then.

But at the feel of Cas' mouth against his, and the now, cooling, streak lines of tears against his face, he realized that he no longer felt dead… instead he felt despair and fear. Not that that was really much better but it gave him hope, ironically. He still didn't think they would win, nor did he think Sam could beat the devil, but Cas had given him something to fight for. And it was him.

"Okay…" he whispered into Cas' mouth.

Cas shuddered against him, his eyes rolling into the back his head as he came inside of him again. The miracle orgasms must have worn off then, because Dean felt himself swiftly collapsing into blackness.

* * *

Castiel pulled out and fell onto Dean's unconscious body beneath him. The hunter's breathing was shallow but even. His body would need time to recoup and though Castiel could have healed him in a second, he wanted the remnants of this night to last a little longer. He truly loved the smell of himself all over Dean.

The hunter was right though… one of them, or both, would likely die tomorrow. But at least now, Dean would fight for the life that Castiel had cared for and saved from perdition. It had been such a profound type of inner pain to see the hunter give up. For him to actually consider saying yes to Michael! It hurt all the more because of Castiel's love for him.

Castiel had never expected that night, or any night ever, for that matter, to turn out the way it had. If he died tomorrow, this night would have made his entire existence worth being. He cleaned up Dean carefully, as best he could with a damp towel from the bathroom and redressed him without the aid of his powers. The shirt was ripped beyond repair but he put it on anyway. When Dean was fairly reassembled, Castiel rose and in the blink of an eye was dressed and clean. The sudden change left an aching in his heart, as if everything that had happened had been a cruel dream.

He hauled the hunter off the bed and snaked an arm under his shoulders to hold him upright.

The next instant, he was standing in the study at Bobby's with a worried expression evident on both Bobby and Sam's faces.

"What the hell happened to him?" Sam asked as Cas lowered Dean's lifeless body onto the old smelly couch.

"Me." He replied stoically. "Dean is no longer saying yes to Michael."

Bobby and Sam shared a surprised but still worried look. "Well…" Sam began, "Adam is gone."

"Yes, the angels took him." Castiel informed. Was it not obvious? "They must have contacted him in a dream."

"We have to go after him." Sam declared and Castiel nodded his head. _Of course they would_, he thought in a sarcastic tone that the boys were so fond of using.

Their actions would put Dean right in the middle of it. Castiel prayed that Dean would keep his word. If, after everything, he still said yes –and somehow didn't die after Michael was done with him… hmmm. Well there was no point in continuing down that road. If Dean said yes… that was it, he thought depressingly.

* * *

Dean tried to open his eyes and found that one wasn't cooperating. There was something preventing his lid from moving up and that's when he felt the pain in his cheek and around his eye socket.

Ohhh…. _Right_.

Castiel. Angel of the Lord. Bringer of multiple orgasms.

He groaned and shifted on the couch. The smell immediately told him where he was. He felt a shift of air beside him and the steady quiet breathing that he recognized instantly as Sam.

"Are you okay?" His brother asked, his tone was worried and skeptical at the same time.

"Yeah.." He moved to sit up and the room spun wildly through his good eye. "Ohh… shit." He fell back down.

"Dean!" Sam's face popped into view, as his brother crouched on the floor in front of his face.

"Shit. What did he do to you?" Sam asked and Dean nearly choked on a laugh.

"What?"

"It's nothing." He grabbed Sam's shoulder. "Help me up, would ya?"

Sam grabbed his shoulders and began tilting his body back into a sitting position.

"Ahh!" Dean winced as he felt the pressure on his ass. Well… that was something he'd never expected to experience in his life. Like. Ever.

"Uhmm.. Dean?" Sam's face was straight-up weirded out. Clearly the 'ouch' from sitting had obviously given too much away. Dean shrugged it off… now was _definitely_ not the time.

"What? My ribs hurt." He lied through his teeth and hoped it was convincing.

"Yeah. 'Course." Sam shot back. "Anyway… The angels have Adam and we have to go get him. Cas said you reneged on your whole Michael's meat-suite campaign?" Sam was eying him suspiciously and Dean was caught in a bad spot.

He was totally on board with fighting the angels and 'the plan' and all that jazz, but in order for it to work, Sam needed to think otherwise.

"Sorry Sam… you bring me there and they ask –I'm saying yes."

Sam's face fell but then perked back up as if it didn't matter. "It's ok. You're still coming with me." At least Sam had faith enough to bring him along. It was crucial to his plan.

* * *

The brothers and Castiel found themselves standing outside the warehouse where Adam was being kept. Dean tried his best to keep his eyes off the angel, but it was hard. His body was still sluggish and sore, so every time he moved, an image of Castiel and him would pop into his head.

Christ... how was he supposed to get anything done?

"How many are in there?" Sam asked.

"Lots." Came the reply from Castiel. Who, despite the odds, seemed rather certain he would be able to clear the joint. The angel looked at Dean then, and pulled out an exacto knife.

"Cas, what the hell is that for?" Dean's voice was all panic. He had a feeling he knew what the blade was for but didn't want to picture it. Cas dropped his head to give a hard look at Dean from beneath his eyelashes. Yup... he knew what the blade was for.

Dean saw Sam staring at him from the corner of his eye, "What Sammy?"

"It's just," Sam looked between him and Cas, and finally settled on the angel. "Cas... before we go in there it would probably be a good idea if you healed Dean."

"Yes, of course."

Dean's body straightened into full alert as the angel walked the extra step to stand directly in front of him. He couldn't help that his breath picked up, and his face was probably flushed. Castiel reached out and instead of two fingers to the forehead as before, the angel placed his hand against Dean's cheek, right beside the bruised eye. As always, the pain and discomfort disappeared.

Cas looked sad as he retracted his hand and only Dean would understand why. Especially because he felt the same sadness. It was gone now. All of the remaining evidence of what had happened was gone.

Dean rubbed his face to wake himself up and bring him back into the game. He watched as Cas opened his shirt and began carving the sigil onto his chest. He knew Cas didn't quite feel pain the same way but it was hard to watch anyway. He also didn't know how long it would until he saw him again after this. Things were progressing fast now.

* * *

It was a week or so later and Dean and Castiel hadn't said one word to each other about what had happened. There was too much important shit going down. Especially after they'd failed with Sam. _Shit_, seeing Sam but with someone else running the show like that… it was damn painful.

Lucifer was still riding around in Sam's digs and the showdown was finally going down.

Dean's face was pulsing with heat and pain. And God, it was so much worse, Castiel was ...gone. But Dean didn't have the luxury to think about that.

His little brother Sammy, starring as Lucifer, stumbled in front of him, his body torqueing strangely, and an odd look came across his features. The look was strangely Sam-like, despite the Lucifer resident.

"It's okay, Dean. It's gonna be okay. I've got him." Sam looked down at him.

No more than a minute later… he was gone. What was supposed to be a victory was now the worst day of his life. Lucifer was gone. Michael was gone. Adam was gone. Bobby was gone.

Sam was gone.

Castiel was –

_What the hell!?_ Cas was standing directly beside his slumped body on the ground.

"Cas, you're alive!" He stared shockingly at the angel, perfectly brand new above him.

"I'm better than that." Cas replied. But instead of sounding happy to be alive. The tone was sad and Dean didn't have the time to react or wonder why.

When the angel touched his face, the pain and blood disappeared.

But it wasn't just the pain and blood that vanished… memories were also taken from him. Memories that Dean wouldn't miss because he wouldn't remember them.

* * *

Castiel looked at Dean across the front seat of the Impala. It had hurt tremendously that Dean didn't remember but since it was his own doing, he only had himself to be angry with.

It was for the best, and he forced himself to remember that. Dean needed to live his life, free of this mess. If Dean remembered, he would stay, and this shouldn't be his life.

As for him – he was needed in Heaven. It would have been impossible to continue this – whatever it was – if he were battling the outcome of a halted apocalypse. God had brought him back for a purpose, not so that he could have a relationship with Dean.

It hurt that Dean was still angry, not that it surprised him. The hurt he saw on the hunter's face from losing his brother tugged at his insides.

Cas decided that, as a gift to Dean to thank him for letting him love him, even if Dean didn't remember, he would bring his brother back. Sam and Dean were everything to each other and he envied their closeness. He wished he was the one who could be with Dean every day, but that wasn't an option for them.

He left without saying goodbye. He wouldn't have been able to say the words.

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**A/N: I wasn't sure if I should have added Castiel's thoughts at the end, but I felt, in the end, that it needed to be there. Thoughts anyone? Reviews very welcome! **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This section jumps ahead to the season where Cas opens purgatory. Hope you enjoy. I plan to continue this story as the show continues.**

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_A year and a half later…_

Dean was resting on the dirty old couch in Bobby's office/living room/library/bedroom etc…

Things had been going shit lately. His best friend had lied to them and was about to do something that he might not come back from –not to mention that it was royally fucking stupid!

He couldn't believe Cas was planning on popping the door on purgatory. Could he really be that naïve? Or hell… maybe he was just that arrogant! Seemed that way recently. The quiet innocence had been replaced by a real dick of a guy and the transition pierced through Dean almost as bad as seeing Lucifer hop on-board the Sam train. And shit… at least that hadn't even been Sam.

This _was _Cas.

Dean suddenly found himself looking out into the dark depths of a large flat lake. It was peaceful here. He had his chair, a beer, and quiet. He knew it was a dream, he'd been having the same dream for a long time. He noted strangely though, that since over a year ago, the dream would shift on occasion and a faceless man would be beside him. He had no idea who the man was but he enjoyed it when the man was there.

He heard a flutter beside him in the dream and in a flash he was bolting upright on the couch back in reality.

Cas stood before him, reserved and patient.

"Hello, Dean."

"How'd you get in here?" Dean looked around, but no one else was moving inside the house.

"The angel-proofing Bobby put up on the house - he got a few things wrong." The angel explained.

"Well, it's too bad we got to angel-proof in the first place, isn't it? Why are you here?" The sight of the angel pissed him off. Probably because it hurt so damn much.

"I want you to understand. To trust me." Cas maintained his stoic expression.

"Why should I trust you? You're about to unleash God-knows-what here, and for what? For souls? To beat Raphael? There are other ways, man." He had pleaded before, but in the dark of night, alone with his once best friend, he felt maybe he could convince him.

"Dean, of all the times I have saved you, supported you, trusted you –why can you not extend to me the same courtesy. I am asking you to stand behind me. I have done so much for you. More than you know." The angel's voice drifted at the end, quieting to a whisper and his eyes shifted downward and Dean tilted his head in suspicion and glared at the man.

"What do you mean '_more than I know_'?" He demanded.

"It's irrelevant." Again with the shifty eyes. Cas was hiding something big.

"How can you expect me to trust you when your _still_ keeping another damn secret! And shit, if purgatory's already out in the open, you holding this one close to the chest looks pretty damn bad Cas!" Dean was furious with the angel. After everything, Cas felt like family to him. Like home. And still, the man lied to him –was still lying to him!

"Dean… it's not crucial to the point." Cas' face became red and the angel was looking around, anywhere but at Dean.

"So help me God, Cas, if you flutter your ass out of here before you tell me what the hell you're talking about, I will summon you right back here." Dean couldn't believe he was being lied to again. The rage bubbled inside of him like scalding water.

"Dean…" Cas pleaded as he stepped forward purposefully. The angel's hand came up to his face and Dean pulled back sharply before contact was made.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Dean." Cas spoke sadly, looking away in shame.

Dean held still, giving permission -which said a fuckload about how much he obviously still trusted the angel. For all he knew, Cas was about to kill him. At least then he wouldn't have to see Cas die from being an idiot.

The second Castiel's fingers touched his face, images flashed at hyper speed through his mind.

_Flash. Castiel beating him to a bloody pulp._

_Flash. Castiel undressing in front of him._

_Flash. Castiel touching him._

_Flash. Castiel…_

Dean's body shook violently and his brain fritzed out. His body crumpled to the ground, but instead of collapsing on the carpet, he felt Cas grab him and sit him on the couch. Dean looked down at the couch in suspicion –which was ridiculous. He then looked up at Cas in the same way. Christ… his brain felt fried.

Everything slid into place and the past finally puzzled itself together. His blinked rapidly, staring at the man in the trench coat. Cas…

"I'm so sorry, Dean." The angel replied brokenly. His expression one of agony.

"Cas?" Dean didn't know what else to say. He blinked and then Cas was gone.

_Oh Jesus…._ The images kept flowing. God, it was torture.

"Dean! What happened?" Sam was standing on the other side of the room. Bobby joined him seconds later.

"Cas was here." His voice stayed even. Which was a total shocker.

"Why? What for?" Sam's urgency irritated him. Shit, couldn't his brother see he was having a crisis or something over here.

"He.. uhh…just came by to ask us to back him up again. To trust him." The carpet was really gross, Dean thought funnily. He'd been staring at it for a while now. Oh man, something was wrong with his brain.

"Seriously, Dean. What's up –you look like someone just stole your pie or something." Sam kept up with the pestering and it finally snapped him out of his spaced-out moment.

"It's nothing Sam. Forget it. I think he just fricasseed my brain a bit or something. I'm gonna go take a shower." He shoved off the couch and stalked upstairs.

* * *

"Bobby… somethings off here." Sam knew when Dean was hiding something and he definitely was in this case.

"Yeah. I felt that too." Bobby moved to sit behind his desk. "But who knows with those two. They've got their own melodrama thing goin' half the time anyway." Bobby continued shuffling the papers on the desk, looking for something and Sam eyed him strangely.

"Yeah. About that –you don't think…?" Sam let the question hang in the air. Insinuations fully loaded.

"You've got to be joking?" Bobby's eyes rolled up to glare at him. "Dean?" His tone disbelieving.

"I don't know! Never mind. Forget I said anything." He pulled a book out, flipped it to a random page and they resumed research.

* * *

Upstairs in the shower, Dean felt the hot water pound unevenly against his head and back from the old crappy shower head. The ghetto glass sliding door with gold trim was gaudy but then again, it wasn't as if the rest of the house was ready for a photoshoot with the _Home and Garden Magazine._

He hadn't even really started showering. He just let the water run over him as his body remained frozen and he was assaulted by images, remembered sensations, warmth and feeling.

His hands were shaking slightly and he balled them into tight fists to stop the jazz-hands act. Now that he remembered, he felt the loss of the past year and a half. The pain of the lies were now compounded with the memories he had gained.

He wanted to hate Cas and stop him from opening purgatory but instead he found he just felt the weight of that night. He missed what he thought of as _his_ Cas. Not the present one that had lied to him and spied on him, but the one that had… _oh god_... made love to him. There was just no other way to say it, even though the girly-ass term made him cringe even thinking it.

As the water slid over his ears and the world became muffled, he closed his eyes and all he saw was the image of Cas' face above him, moving, and watching him. The feeling of their breath mingled.

He opened his eyes, no longer able to stand it.

"Cas." He breathed. His voice didn't travel over the sound of the shower.

The man in question appeared on the other side of the glass door and regarded him oddly. The angel's features were drawn tight. "Why am I here Dean?" He asked as his eyes flickered down, noting Dean's nakedness.

Dean was raw with pain and sadness. He pushed everything to the back-burner and just stared at Cas, remembering him as the Cas he knew.

"Get undressed." His voice was low and quiet. Nowhere near a command. He didn't know why he was doing this. With everything going on he was right-pissed at the angel, but he just couldn't help himself, not after what he remembered.

Cas watched him with a peculiar expression as he discarded his clothes into a pile on the floor. When Dean saw him just standing there, he pulled the shower door back on its track, opening a space so the angel could get in.

He did.

Castiel slid the shower door closed and then stood there, his hands folded in front of himself.

"Dean?" He could tell Cas didn't understand what this was. Dean didn't care to explain. He grabbed the angel's head between his hands and pulled him into a deep kiss. Cas opened his mouth for him eagerly, and they kissed with an urgency that spoke volumes of how they felt and the distance that had grown between them.

Dean grabbed at the angel's shoulders and arms and back, running a hand through his damp dark hair.

Then the lips and taste were gone when Castiel pulled back, "Do you forgive me?"

"No." Dean said sharply.

"I don't understand. Why then-"

"Because I missed you." Dean pulled Cas against him once more, sealing his lips over the perfect mouth he hadn't realized he'd been missing.

Again with the pulling back... _Ugh!_ Dean stepped back then, annoyed with the man.

"Dean, will you support me?" The angel was perplexed.

"No." He breathed roughly, running a hand down his wet face. "Cas look, this isn't why I wanted you here. I missed you. That's it. What you plan on doing is _beyond_ stupid. And the worst part is, your asking me to trust you because of what you did. Which is damn ironic because you didn't back my plan to say yes to Michael then because it wasn't the right thing to do."

He paused wishing he could pace in the limited room of the shower, but instead Dean backed away from Cas, putting as much distance between them as he could.

"And now... what you want to do, it isn't the right thing either. Unfortunately for me, I don't have the ability to fuck you into agreement like you did with me." His tone was harsh and unforgiving. The angel just stared back at him, his expression pained.

"Get out." Dean motioned to the door. "Just get your shit and go." He wished he'd never uttered the angel's name. The kiss had lit off a warm feeling inside of him, a hopefulness that would sting like a bitch if or when Cas followed through with his plans.

"Dean! What's going on? Who's in there with you?" Sam's voice was muted through the door and by the sound of the shower.

Dean grimaced. Cas was still standing there naked in front of him. Frickin' angel refused to leave.

"Sam. Fuck. Just take off, alright?" He shouted to the door. Sam replied with some affirmative and Dean assumed he left. Hopefully his little brother hadn't gone to get a cup to press against the door.

"Why are you still here?" He glanced at Cas as he reached down to grab the shampoo, squirting it into his hand and beginning the massage into his scalp. He scrubbed at his head vigorously in frustration.

"Dean. There is no other way." Cas' argumentative tone had withered. His voice sounded defeated and not about his own plans, but about his ability to convince Dean.

"Just leave." The angel disappeared along with the pile of clothes.

Dean had the notion of just sitting down on the bottom of the tub and letting the water beat down on him but then heard Sam's voice through the door.

"Can I come in?" He asked.

"Sure. Whatever." Though the shower door was completely see-through, it didn't matter. They were brothers and didn't give a rats ass about seeing the other naked. Sam sat down on the lid of the toilet and focused on his hands in front of him.

"What's going on Dean? I know that was Cas." There was no icky tone or anything, just concern.

"Yeah. It was." He settled on straight answers without elaborating. The feel of Cas' mouth was still evident in the tingling of his lips and it left a fog-like feeling in his head that didn't seem to be going away.

"What happened, man?" If it had been anyone else, Dean wouldn't have said a damn thing and just made up some stupid excuse for it all, but this was his brother and if there was anyone he could talk to, it was him. He felt too broken to be funny or defensive at this point.

"Remember when Adam was taken? And… uhh... I was gone for a few hours." Soap. Lather. Repeat.

"Yeah…" Sam eyed him curiously as he started rinsing out the soap in his hair.

He kept rinsing and rinsing and rinsing... getting lost in the action to avoid continuing what was probably going to be one of the weirdest conversations they would ever have. And that said a lot considering what they did for a living.

After several moments, Sam got fed-up. "Dean, I'm pretty sure there is no more soap in your hair.. tell me what happened."

"Cas..." Deep breath. Loooong exhale. "Uhhm.. We had sex." _Oh fuckin' hell it was out there_. "Aaaand… he sort of angel mojo'd me into cumming like thirty frickin' times in the span of seven hours." He blurted out, his voice rushing to the end of that sentence in a hurry.

Silence. _Awesome_.

Dean grabbed the bar of soap and began washing his body, starting at the top. He got all the way to the first leg before Sam spoke.

"Do you love him?" Sam's voice was dead quiet. Dean loved his brother for canning the jokes and endless questions on this one, he wouldn't have been able to handle it.

Dean considered the question... _Shit._ He did. But saying it aloud would be painful and awkward. He turned into the shower and rinsed soap from his face and body..

"Yeah." He whispered into the water. He didn't know if Sam heard him or not.

"We'll find a way to stop him." Sam's voice was reassuring but Dean knew better. This wouldn't end well. When did it ever?

* * *

**A/N: I definitely plan on continuing this, just not sure where I am going to go with it yet. I felt rushed on some of this and I hope it wasn't too obvious. The chapters are all fairly small, but the events, hopefully, should not feel chopped. Please let me know if they do.**

**Love reviews, good and bad! Thanks :)  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This brings us to Cas moving forward with purgatory plans, and his terrible decisions. A lot of this chapter is canon until pretty much the end. I only included the relevant sections as well. Enjoy.**

* * *

How had they become enemies? Dean wondered as he stared at Castiel – now a stranger to him.

Cas stood emotionless before them, observing the three as if they were no more than insects to him. Dean couldn't see anything left of the man he once knew. The fury boiled inside of him, blistering the inside of his skin. He hated the thing in front of him because it had destroyed the Cas he knew; the Cas he loved. How could the angel have become so far gone that he didn't seem to care at all anymore?

"You don't even see it, do you? How totally off the rails you are!" He yelled at Cas, more out of rage than hoping for an outcome. Because even though Dean knew it wouldn't help, it didn't stop him trying. He moved to approach the angel who'd become his enemy but stopped short at the sudden ripple of energy in the air around him. The power emanated from Cas in waves that made the air feel hot and violent.

"Enough!" Cas' barked at him. "I don't care what you think. I've tried to make you understand. You won't listen. So let me make this simple. _Please_, go home and let me stop Raphael. I won't ask again." His voice was harsh and there was clearly no trace of his friend left.

Cas wouldn't let them help and he wouldn't listen to reason. But, Dean thought, he should have at least known better than to think they would just stand down while the doorway to purgatory was about to be unlocked.

"Well, good, 'cause I think you already know the answer." Dean stood his ground; daring the angel to fight him. Instead Cas shook his head. The lack of fury was worrisome. As if the angel didn't think he was worthy of the energy. Did he really mean nothing to him anymore?

"I wish it hadn't come to this." Cas' voice was solemn but even. "Well rest assured, when this is all over, I will save Sam, but only if you stand down." A sense of terror blossomed throughout Dean as he glanced at his brother with concern and utter confusion and then looked back at Cas.

"Save Sam from what?" Dean's voice shook because somewhere deep down he knew.

Castiel disappeared from in front of him only to reappear behind Sam and before Dean could react, Cas placed two fingers against Sam's temple – a gesture so small yet so ultimately terrifying.

His little brother fell to the ground in an unconscious heap. Dean stared in horror at Sam's body and the blank look on Castiel's face. The angel had broken the wall in Sam's mind, unleashing hell, and likely giving his brother a death sentence.

In the blink of an eye, Castiel was gone. Dean rushed over to his brother, only to find his breath rampant and his mind locked in whatever kind of horrors Dean could only guess at. He knew they were worse than his own time in hell and didn't think anyone would be able to survive that.

Bobby and Dean shared a scared helpless look. They needed to get Sam back to Bobby's and go after Cas as soon as possible.

Hours later, they found themselves approaching the abandoned production factory. It was unlikely they would survive. They were two people against demons and angels alike. How would this ever end well?

Ultimately, he and Bobby had managed to find Cas, but the damage was already done. If Dean had thought the angel before was far removed from the man he once knew… this _thing_ was in another league altogether.

The power that heated the air was the kind that made your skin tight and your teeth clench. Dean had never truly been scared of Cas before, not really. The thing before him had the power of a nuclear war rolling under his skin and that was not the kind of shit you messed with.

He watched in fascination and borderline hope as Cas, with the snap of his fingers, obliterated Raphael. A small part of him thought that maybe, just maybe, this would be the end and everything would be okay. He should have known better. When did he ever catch a break?

"So, you see, I saved you." Cas managed to look down at him, even though Dean was taller of the two. Dean pushed his hands out in front of him, a gesture of surrender. There was no other way out of this alive.

"Sure thing, Cas. Thank you." He forced his voice to remain steady, holding Cas' gaze without faltering.

"You doubted me, fought against me, but I was right all along." The voice and cadence of the angel's words were off; so devoid of anything but power and authority. Dean had to hope that he could fix it. Raphael was dead, everything would be fine.

"Okay, Cas, you were right. We're sorry. Now let's just defuse you, okay?" His request was shaky at best. It wasn't like he could force the thing before him to actually do anything.

"What do you mean?" Cas asked, entirely curious, the subtle tilt of his head that Dean used to find so amusing was now frustrating as all hell.

"You're full of nuke. It's not safe. So, before the eclipse ends, let's get them souls back to where they belong. Please Cas…" He focused his eyes on Cas and begged with the intensity of his stare. Hoping that his obvious need was enough bridge the chasm between them.

"Oh no, they belong with me." That damn voice, Dean thought. It was so calm. And terrifying. And painful.

"No, Cas, it's it…it's scrambling your brain." Please let there be some part of him still there. They could end this. His eyes flickered to the light from the gate to purgatory, slowly fading. Time was running out.

"No, I'm not finished yet. Raphael had many followers, and I must punish them all severely." The idea that Cas wanted to _punish _anybody should have been Dean's final clue that his words were wasted air because Cas would never want to punish anyone. Even if they deserved it, he never would have been so readily vengeful before.

"Listen to me, Cas. Listen, I know there's a lot of bad water under the bridge, but we were family once.. more than that. I'd have died for you. I almost did a few times. So if that means anything to you... Please. I've lost Lisa, I've lost Ben, and now I've lost Sam. Don't make me lose you too. You don't need this kind of juice anymore, Cas. Get rid of it before it kills us all." He pleaded and begged. And as much as this version of Cas terrified him, he still didn't want to lose him. If Cas didn't get rid of the power in him, it would destroy them all.

"You're just saying that because I won. Because you're afraid." Dean noticed finally that Sam was there and was silently rising up behind Cas holding the angel blade, as Cas continued speaking, "You're not my family, Dean. I have no family." Just as the words stabbed into his gut, he watched his brother push the angel blade through Cas' body. He held still waiting for the death to come but no light emitted, the angel barely registered the act against him. Cas withdrew the blade and no blood was visible on it.

Cas glared behind him at Sam, "I'm glad you made it, Sam. But the angel blade won't work, because I'm not an angel anymore. I'm your new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord. Or I shall destroy you."

Dean couldn't believe what was happening. He, Sam and Bobby all shared equal looks of terror.

They found themselves slowly getting to their knees, and Dean wanted nothing more in that moment than to tear him down. Rip him apart.

When Cas seemed to realize that they no longer meant anything to him, he disappeared, leaving them bewildered and unsure about what would come next.

At least, Dean thought, Sam was awake and relatively okay. That had to count for something. Even if everything else was broken.

Weeks later and stories from all over the world were popping up about this new God. Every time Dean heard about the acts of healing, or vengeance, or smiting, he wanted to kill something in an extremely bloody amount of violence.

Once in a while his brain would push through flickers of him and Cas… _together_. But after everything that had happened, he'd gotten damn good at forgetting everything that had meant something. For all intents and purposes, the Cas who'd been with him that night… was long gone.

It all came to a head when a political campaign office was completely destroyed – blood and bodies everywhere.

Cas was beyond their reach now. The world was basically on its last legs. Sam still thought there was a shred of hope and kudos to him if he still felt that way. Too bad it was pointless. Just as the thoughts stretched across his mind, a commotion at the door snapped his head up from where he'd been sitting in Bobby's kitchen, and he saw Sam come rushing in carrying Castiel's barely conscious form in his arms. Dean pulled a gun from the table and aimed at Cas' face.

"What the hell is he doing here?!" Dean shouted at Sam, who was struggling with the effort of the load he carried. He dumped Cas' body on the couch in the study and Dean levelled his gun at the face of _God._

"Please… Dean. I need help." The words coming from the angel's peeling mouth was like a shot to the stomach. He pleaded with himself not to be taken in by it. Cas looked at him, eyes peeled wide, looking like death was trying to skin him alive.

"You were right. I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Dean." Dean could see the regret but it had little effect on him. Too much shit had happened. What he'd done to Sam, what he'd done to innocent people.

Regardless of whether or not he cared about the angel's regrets, they still had to get rid of the residents of purgatory before they exploded all over the damn place.

In less than two hours, they found themselves back at the godforsaken warehouse, gathering the ingredients to reopen purgatory for the second time in as many months. He had a passing thought at how fucked up his life was, but who else would be the one to do this if not him?

Cas tried to apologize, but it was useless. How could they ever go back to how things were? Sam had disappeared somewhere and while Dean was worried, it was more important to get rid of the souls tearing apart the body on the ground.

Dean found himself several minutes later standing beside Bobby, who was reciting the necessary Enochian to reopen Purgatory so that Cas could expel the evil inside of him. The whole thing was playing before his eyes and it all seemed so surreal. He had managed to hold onto his anger up until now. Cas had looked at him earlier, and the words that hung in the air between them had been heavy, laden with regret and betrayal.

Dean watched his best friend; the angel who'd lied to him, betrayed him… the angel who, despite his best efforts to the contrary, still meant so much to him. Cas' body swayed as his form could no longer handle the strain and power inside of him. Dean watched as Cas' figure crumpled to the floor and Dean shot forward to hold him back up to face the wall. His hands shook the entire time. The fear and worry took over his earlier hatred.

Dean's body twitched with energy and nerves, but mostly fear. When the final words were spoken and a great light spread from the center of the sigil in the wall, Cas turned back to look at him. The look was absolute. His friend would die. He knew this with a great deal of certainty and he felt his insides rip apart.

Light and energy exploded from Cas' worn body and shot at the wall in a blinding display. It seemed to last forever and mere seconds at the same time.

The force that had kept Cas' body upright while the souls were being shot back to purgatory abruptly cut off as the final surges of evil disappeared through the wall. Cas fell to the ground and Dean could only stare while his knees dropped to the ground, the sound around him disappeared and he couldn't comprehend how this could have happened.

He looked at Bobby, dread contorting his features. "Is he breathing?"

Dean distantly heard the negative reply but refused to believe it. Besides, "Angels don't need to breathe right?" He pleaded with no one.

"He's gone, Dean." Bobby whispered. The force collapsing around Dean's ribcage was like an iron-vice. He felt the burn and pressure of tears in his eyes and crouched over Cas' still form.

"Damn it. Cas! C'mon. Why didn't you listen to me!?" He shook Cas' shoulders as he felt the first trickle of warm salt-water brim up over his eyes.

Cas' eyes suddenly shot open and he bolted upright, a look of total bewilderment on his features. "Well that was unpleasant." He said as if he'd just had a bee-sting instead of ejecting evil souls back to Hell's next door neighbour.

Dean stared in disbelief and, against his better judgement, allowed hope to build. He hated what Cas had done, but when he looked down at the man in front of him he could see the angel he considered family. There was still part of him there.

Of course, that hope was completely and thoroughly destroyed seconds later as Cas' voice ascended with worry as he yelled for them to run.

_"_Leviathan!" Cas growled, as his body wrenched and torqued strangely.

Oh fuck… No! Dean watched in horror as Cas was taken from him again. The twisted evil creatures inside of him watched Dean in amusement through Cas' blue eyes. The veiny blackness creeped across his skin and Cas' smile was wicked and wrong, controlled by something unknown.

Cas' vessel could no longer hold them back and he, Sam and Bobby watched in shock as Cas disappeared beneath the surface of the town's water reserve. The blackness rolled out from the epicentre, and the only evidence that remained of Cas was his trench coat, sidling up to the shore as if returning to the widow of its owner.

Dean couldn't hold back the tears as he pulled the drenched garment from the water. It was dirty and dripping all over the place, but he'd be damned if he was going to let it go.

In the weeks and months that followed, life had taken a definite turn for the worse – if that was even possible at this point in their lives. The leviathan could not be killed easily, Cas was dead, Bobby was dead, and Sam was basically broken and dying in a mental hospital. When Dean heard of a man that might be able to help his brother, he jumped at the chance.

He certainly would never have expected what he found.

Standing at the bottom of the stairs was Cas – complete with the dark brown hair, blue eyes, and the way he was just watching Dean, completely unaware of what had just happened, or who he was.

Cas looked so… human. So innocent and domestic in his blue sweater that Dean couldn't speak. He watched Cas' eyes flicker to the window where he no doubt saw his _wife_ tied up still. Cas rushed past Dean to free her.

Standing in the living room, watching the woman and Cas touch each other was beyond painful. He should be pissed at Cas, he should be happy he's alive… he should be anything other than wanting rip the woman's head off. But who said love was logical, right? After months, and all the shit that had gone down, he really thought he'd gotten over everything - that Cas didn't matter to him that way anymore but now all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around him and not let go. The past be damned.

"Uhh… you need to come with me. You don't belong here." He said without sparing a glance to the woman beside him.

"What do you mean? What was that thing?" Cas questioned him.

"It was a demon. I know you saw its true face. More will be coming. Just… look, you need to trust me."

Cas looked between the woman and him, and Dean watched the angel debate the right move. When his eyes finally settled on Dean, and the trust was evident in the blue depths, Dean knew he'd won.

"Ok, let's go." He couldn't wait much longer and started walking towards the door.

Cas followed close behind, saying a quick goodbye to the woman he'd been living with and followed Dean. It said a lot that even though the angel could not remember him, he trusted him implicitly.

It was an eight hour journey back to Sam, and since Dean had already been driving all day, he decided it was best to stay at a motel for the night.

When they'd settled into a room with two beds, Dean found himself sitting on the end of one and gestured Cas to sit beside him. He needed the angel to remember; both for Sam's sake and for himself.

When Cas took the seat beside him and looked into his eyes, he hoped he would find recognition in them but there was none. Regardless, Dean asked anyways.

"Do you know who I am?" His voice was stretched thin; it betrayed his deep need for Cas to remember him.

"I…, no. I don't" The words hurt more than he'd expected.

"You are an angel. That's why you can heal. We've known each other for years. We're… friends." The last word was a lie in so many ways. They certainly hadn't ended as friends, and somewhere along the way they'd become more than friends. So what did that make them now? He had no idea.

"What's your name?" Cas finally asked and then a puzzled look knitted his brows together, "What's my name?"

"Castiel.. I call you Cas for short. My name is Dean." He threaded his fingers together in his lap suddenly feeling extremely nervous. He wanted so badly to go back to Sam, but seeing Cas sit beside him and not remember a thing was torture.

"Dean…" Cas said the name like he was tasting it and it made Dean shiver. Dean looked over at his friend and watched as the blue eyes squinted and he raised a hand in the air. It looked peculiar – as though the angel had no idea why he was doing it.

When Dean felt the warm palm against his face, a shock made him jump back from the contact and his eyes split wide as he watched the look of horror spread across the angel's face. Before he could move away, Cas placed both hands on either side of Dean's head and a look of total concentration stilled his features.

He was remembering. Dean didn't know exactly how he knew… but he just knew.

Several minutes later, Cas dropped his hands and his breathing was erratic and loud in the small space between them.

"Dean…" Cas' voice was pained and deep and he said his name in such a way that Dean knew he remembered everything.

Dean couldn't say anything. His voice had forsaken him. He just stared at the angel before him. What could even be said after everything that had happened? After what he'd done to Sam? He wanted to be angry, but he just felt…. nothing.

Dean's brain shorted a bit when he felt Cas' hand on his leg, he looked down at it as if he was wondering what it was. When he raised his eyes back to Cas, everything just exploded between them.

Dean was suddenly exhilarated and furious at the same time – a horrible combination. He wrapped his hand around Cas' throat and shouted at him millimetres from his face.

"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO SAM!?" He shouted, tightening his grip around the angel's throat. Dean was vaguely aware that he couldn't kill him this way, but he was also aware that Cas wasn't fighting back. He knew he deserved it.

Cas just stared back at him, regret and shame filling up the blackness of his eyes. Dean continued yelling and choking him and shaking him, no longer comprehending what he was even saying. Cas was like a ragdoll in his grasp, just taking what he deserved.

He pulled his hand back abruptly and shoved the angel down on the bed, straddling him and began punching him over and over again. The bedspread was soon stained with blood and his fist was likely broken, along with Cas' face below him. When Dean no longer had the energy left to throw a punch, he eased back up and just looked down at the bloody mess below him, Cas simply stared back through swollen eyes, a dead look in his eyes though he still breathed. Dean's chest was pumping up and down from his efforts but the sudden rage and fury was slipping back from the demanding presence in the forefront of his mind.

It felt like hours passed while they stared at each other. It seemed impossible that anything could ever go back to some semblance of normalcy between them.

Finally, the pain in his hand and the battered face was beginning to drain him. He placed a hand on Cas' chest, and saw a flicker of life in the barely visible slits of blue eyes.

"Heal yourself." He said sternly to which Cas just shook his head. And whether the angel was worried that Dean would simply go again, or would rather wallow in the pain, Dean didn't know – but it didn't matter.

"Do it." His made his voice hard and commanding. Cas raised his hand and brought it to rest on top of his own hand resting on the angel's chest. The second contact was made, his hands were instantly healed, and the blood vanished.

Cas was still a red beaten mess below him. "Cas…" He grabbed at the angel's chest, digging his fingers into the muscles, all the while glaring at him.

Finally, Cas looked him in the eye and the blood, cuts, and swollen mess that had been his face was suddenly gone. The blood that had stained the bed was also gone.

Dean didn't know what to do now.

"You should kill me." Cas' deadpan voice finally broke the silence.

"Cas… you don't get to die. You need fix the mess you've made." He replied, still straddling the angel's hips.

"Then after.." His words low and quiet. "Kill me after." Dean urged himself to agree but he couldn't. Instead he punched Cas again, unable to stop himself.

"You goddamned idiot! Don't you get it?! You fucked up and you need to fix it but you aren't allowed to check out after! Everybody makes mistakes Cas, and even though yours were colossal, you are not allowed to die and leave me again! I've lost too many people…" His voice broke a bit before he could continue and he had to tighten his face against the tears that threatened to build up in his eyes. "I… I can't lose you."

"Why do you care?" Cas asked. "After everything I've done… why?"

Dean couldn't really explain it. He had a feeling it all boiled down to the own word he sure as hell wasn't saying now. He didn't want to give the angel a free pass, but he couldn't stand the idea of losing him again.

"Because.. I just… I can't lose you. Okay?" He peered down, watching the blue eyes gaze up at him. Cas said nothing, time stretched between them. How had this became his life? Dean wondered.

He found himself bringing a hand to touch Cas' cheek. There was a bit of stubble beneath his fingers, the skin felt warm and soft beneath his touch. The sincere, softness of the touch burned him, and he hated himself for it.

He scrambled off the angel and marched to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. He knew that if he stayed looking down at that face, he would give in or he would kill him, and he wouldn't be able to handle the outcome of either option.

Dean locked the door and started the shower needing time to regain himself. He was teetering on the edge between so many different emotions and urges, he was likely to do something he would regret and so he decided to keep his distance.

After a long, incredibly hot –almost painfully hot- shower, he re-entered the room to find Cas laying on his back in roughly the same position as when he'd left.

Dean just walked by him with the towel around his waist and settled into the empty bed by the door.

They didn't say another word to each other for the rest of the night.

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**A/N: I believe after this chapter things will relatively follow Canon as well, but then things will change quite a bit in purgatory. I am not sure how I want Dean to handle crazy Cas, cause I definitely want it to be different than in the show, but we will see. Hope you enjoyed it, please review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: The drive to Sam. Cas becomes crazy. Some canon, some not. Sorry for the delay. The holiday break has been hectic; interspersed with times of unbelievable indolence. **

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Castiel sat quietly in the passenger seat, stealing sidelong glances at Dean as often as he could stand. He felt a physical ache in his chest at the hard set of Dean's jaw. It had been over three hours since they had woken up - and still – Dean hadn't said a word.

The former angel expected this reaction. He deserved it after everything he'd done. It didn't matter that everything Cas did was for Dean, for his safety, for his peace. Still, Castiel had failed him.

His hands were clasped together in his lap and he tried to be as still as possible, disturbing Dean as little as he could.

About three-quarters of the way through their journey, around the six-hour mark, Dean pulled into a Gas'n'Sip to refuel and get some much needed water and food since Dean had only grabbed a coffee and breakfast sandwich from some coffee shop drive-through on their way out of town.

When Dean left the car, Cas remained inside stewing in the leftover tension that crackled the inside of the Impala. After several minutes his eyes began darting around to their current surroundings. He felt it, the evil twisting the air just slightly.

Without further thought, he appeared inside the convenience store watching silently as Dean took care of a demon that abruptly dropped to the ground to join its comrade in death. A woman stood in front of Dean, her back to Cas and he flew up behind her, but as his hand appeared on her forehead –ready for imminent death- she simply laughed, tilting her head back towards him.

"Hey there, Clarence. Long time, no see." Meg said, leaning back against his body and his eyes flashed to Dean in shock as he stumbled back from her form, dropping his arms to hang stiffly along his sides.

"What the hell do you want?" Dean spat in her direction, resuming his previous task of throwing supplies into a plastic bag.

"Gee, a 'thanks' would be nice." She replied.

"For what? Bringing demons to attack me. Yeah that was fun." He replied sarcastically, shooting her a hateful look.

"Hey, I'm here to help you! They have been trailing you since you left Cas' new humble-abode." She said, turning to wink in his direction. Castiel averted his eyes. He was acutely aware of the look Dean gave them anytime Meg interacted with him, or vice versa.

"Besides," she continued, "I need your help." Her tone lost its edge of arrogance and surety. Castiel could sense her fear. Meg was on the run.

"Why in God's name would I help you?" Dean said incredulously.

"Look, Crowley is after me, and I am offering you help in return for some protection. Besides, you could seriously use it. The demons are after your winged boyfriend here and you're going to need the help whether you want it or not." The two were conversing as if Castiel was not present and it angered him.

"I can take care of myself." He said, speaking for the first time since entering the store.

"I think past events have proved otherwise." Dean glared at him. "Don't you agree?" He asked, to which Cas simply dropped his head, knowing an answer was not really expected of him. As much as he knew he deserved the treatment, his shame was starting to be overtaken by anger at Dean's constant berating attitude towards him.

Dean ran a hand down his face out of frustration and glanced between the two. "Fine. But we go to Sam first. No detours."

"Works for me, sweetheart." Meg drawled.

As Meg walked past Castiel to head towards the door, she ran a hand down in his arm and leaned into him to speak close to his ear.

"Good to see you, Clarence." Her eyes practically sparkled in his direction. He remembered her proposition to him from months ago about 'ordering pizza and rearranging furniture.' It made him visibly uncomfortable.

Castiel wasn't sure what it was about her, but she was definitely different than other demons. Less harsh and more… _vulnerable_. He watched her exit the store in curiosity when he felt a heavy hand clamp down on his shoulder.

"Go." Dean said in his usual deep rough voice and shoved Castiel forwards towards the door.

Castiel wondered vaguely why Dean always seemed so put off by his interactions with Meg, but as he thought about it more, riding in the car, he thought that he understood. But his conclusions were tainted, because if Dean was in fact _jealous _–which seemed to be the case – that meant Dean might still want him, despite everything he'd done. Castiel reasoned that this could certainly not be the case because it was something he desired and he just didn't believe in such generosity from the universe after everything that had transpired over the last two years.

The remaining two hours went by rather quickly, with Meg breaking the silence every so often to ask questions about the Leviathan, and Sam.

When they finally pulled into the parking lot of a vacant institutional building that sat on a ridge overlooking the building where Sam was, the sun was beginning to set in the distance.

The trio overlooked the situation and Castiel noted the demons standing outside.

"There are three of them. I assume there are more inside." He concluded, looking back at Dean who sighed in resignation.

They decided to make their way in after dark, when any visitors would likely be gone.

Castiel leaned against the Impala gazing up at the Heavens with a heavy weight pulling at his insides. The constant feeling of tension pulling at his organs was exhausting.

Castiel didn't bother to turn around when he heard Dean come up beside him. The shift in the air, the smell, he would know it was Dean even without the powers of an angel so the visual confirmation was not needed.

"I will fix it Dean. I promise." He spoke quietly.

There was a substantial pause and then Dean turned and opened the trunk, shuffling through weapons and other items in search of something.

When Dean re-emerged from behind the propped open trunk he was holding a loosely folded beige lump of fabric.

Castiel stared at it for some time before raising his eyes to Dean. When they looked each other in the eye for the first time in what felt like forever, his eyes started to burn and he grabbed the coat from Dean's outstretched hand, hoping Dean wouldn't see the pain he was feeling in that moment.

Castiel didn't know what to say anymore. Perhaps there was nothing more _to_ say.

Dean moved closer and put a hand on his shoulder. He gripped tight, pulling Cas towards him and they simply stared at each other, merely inches apart.

"Dean…" His voice broke and sounded thick.

"I know." Dean said compassionately and released his hold, walking away to grab the weapons they would need.

In less than five minutes, they were making their way to the back entrance of the institution. The demons recognized Castiel immediately, but he was faster. He raised a hand and placed it on the first of the three. The power and light flowed from him and burned the demon from the inside. He was on to the second demon as Dean stabbed the last beside him.

A shared look was held between them before they pushed open the door. He could feel Meg behind himself, casting uncertain and suspicious glances between him and Dean.

When he looked back at her she was smirking and his gaze briefly flickered over to Dean, just for a moment, but then Meg winked and Castiel knew she was going to cause problems with her newfound knowledge.

There were only a couple demons that they'd needed to take care of after that and they finally managed to make it to Sam, who was in a worse condition than he'd feared.

Castiel could not heal him. The damage was too intricate, too raw to piece back together.

"I can't heal him." He admitted in a defeated tone. The look Dean gave him was the emotional equivalent of a blade through the heart.

_I have to do something! _Castiel couldn't bear the broken look on Dean's face and wracked his brain for a solution._ Anything._

Perhaps, he thought hopefully, if the portion of Sam's mind that had been stuck in hell was in fact separate to a certain degree, it might be transferable, he reasoned with himself. It was worth a try, at the very least.

"I might… I could shift it maybe." He said, sitting on the edge of the bed. His eyes saddened as he examined Sam's face –contorted in exhaustion and total fear.

As he reached his palm out to touch Sam, he heard Dean gasp and peaked up to see the look of horror settle in Dean's features, his green eyes going wide. Castiel returned a compassionate eye for a moment before making contact with Sam.

Castiel knew this might kill him, but it was the only appropriate decision he had left to make. He owed it to Dean and Sam to do right by them.

The pain seared its way through his being and his Grace. His skin was on fire, and he saw was his brother Lucifer standing before him laughing and laughing and laughing.

The pain and the laughter never ceased. The world twisted to show him other horrors: the horrible things he'd done when possessed by the souls of purgatory, the destruction that was wreaking havoc on the world from the Leviathan, the look of hatred on Dean's face. Lucifer then appeared to stand beside Dean's form and used a blade to slice through the tanned skin – the sound of the fallen angel's laughter was drowned out by the sound of Castiel screaming for it to stop.

Dean saw Cas' mouth wrench open in a silent scream, his eyes screwed shut, and his hands leaving Sam's face as if he'd been burned. They clasped against his own ears in an attempt to either block out sound or to hold his own head together.

The sight made Dean's knees weak, but from the corner of his eye, Dean saw Sam sit up in the bed, totally aware, and his focus whipped around to his brother.

"Sammy!" He sighed. "Thank God!" He rushed over and hugged his brother. Sam smelled like stale linen and sweat and Dean couldn't wait to get them all out of that horrible place, but looking over at Cas being supported by Meg, he knew it wouldn't be that easy.

"What happened to Cas?" Sam asked, and then his mouth dropped in understanding. "No! Why did you let him do that?" His younger brother looked up at him and Dean opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out.

The three sane people remaining in the room stared at Cas who had crumpled onto the floor yelling '_Not Dean… Nooo!' _Over, and over, and over again. It killed Dean to realize that the devil was torturing the angel using him as the weapon of choice.

They needed to get out of there. "We have to take him with us." Dean cast a glance to Meg and Sam.

"What are we going to do with him Dean? We can't exactly take him on the road with us?!" Sam reasoned, panic still in his voice. The dull patter of commotion in the hallway started to filter into the room.

"I'll stay with him." Meg said in a flat voice. "We'll stay here. I will watch him and call you if anything changes."

Dean flew across the room in an instant, a hand wrapping itself tightly around the demon's throat.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" He growled at her.

"Don't get your panties in a twist! I won't touch your precious angel. What other choice do we have boys?" She asked, and sadly he and Sam had no real response to that.

"But listen," she continued, a warning in her tone. "If I feel Crowley coming after me, the two of you will haul your pretty faces here fast! You got that? Because if my former boss shows up your angel's on his own."

"Fine." He spoke through gritted teeth, relinquishing his hold around her neck and crouched down on the ground beside her to hold Cas' face between his hands.

"Cas… c'mon. Come back…" He pleaded hopelessly before they left. The thought of leaving him here like this was making it hard to breathe around the block in his throat.

Dean trailed his hands down the sides of Cas' face, whose mouth was still mumbling Dean's name in agony. He slid his hands down until they were on Cas' warm neck. He could feel the speedy pulse against his fingertips and dropped his head so he could rest his forehead against Cas'. He breathed deeply for what felt like a millennia.

Without worrying about the people watching him, Dean straightened his face and leaned forward to kiss Cas chastely on the lips, lingering a second longer than he'd planned.

It was then that Cas screamed louder than he had yet and Dean fell backwards from his crouch and tears fought their way from behind his eyes. He felt Sam pulling him up off the ground.

It was only when the image of Cas screaming got smaller did Dean realize Sam was pulling him out the door. Dean ripped his arms away from his brother and stalked away out of the hospital fighting the panic that was brewing inside of him.

Sam watched the slow breathing of his brother's unconscious form on the couch. They were back at the cabin they had been staying at before Sam had lost the remnants of his sanity.

He'd forced Dean to take some sleeping pills with a glass of whiskey, and his older brother was now hopefully in a dreamless state.

He knew that Dean and Cas had become … _something_ along the way, but the wretched look of pain he'd seen on Dean's face as Sam had tried to haul his brother away was unlike any other expression he could picture Dean ever having.

Sam tried to feel justice for what Cas had done was only to fix what he'd broken in the first place, but instead Sam felt guilt.

Castiel had been trying to save them from Raphael and his plans to jump-start the apocalypse again. Sam knew that despite the bad decisions, Cas had only been trying to look out for them. As he always did.

Well… mostly Dean. But still.

They still had the leviathan to deal with and they knew from Bobby's dying words that Dick Roman – the leviathan leader –was searching for something.

A few weeks later, Dean and Sam caught a lucky break. They met an awesome chick named Charlie who helped them get to the point of staring at an ominous archeological looking hunk of rock. It sucked that she'd ended up with a broken arm, but it could have been a helluva lot worse, so Dean was grateful.

Dean looked over at Sam and without further ado he brought the pick-axe down on the rock, striking the corner with accuracy.

In the same moment, a flash of lightening and a crack of thunder split the relative quiet and he shot a startled glance in Sam's direction –who simply shrugged and frowned.

_Maybe it was just a coincidence?_ He mimicked his brother's shrug and repeated the downward swing a second time.

_BANG!_

The sound crackled against his eardrums and reverberated in his chest, and there was definitely no mistaking it now. Clearly what they were doing was something that the universe didn't want them to do.

They shared a solid _'fuck-it!' _look and Dean hammered away at the rock. Lightning and thunder erupted at each strike against the solid grey mass.

Minutes later, when he threw the pick-axe on the ground, the world became deafeningly quiet, save for the ringing in his ears.

The brothers drew closer together as they looked down at the roughly square slab of rock etched with ancient carvings of some language.

The sound of Dean's phone breaking through the tense air made Dean jump about a foot in the air. He cursed and whipped his phone out of his pocket and brought it to his ear.

"What?!" He asked tersely.

"Cas is awake…" Meg spoke as if surprised by the words herself. "I don't know, he was just suddenly… lucid. Well, sort of… just get here." She sighed and hung up.

Dean shoved his phone back in his pocket and wrapped the slab of rock in his coat before grabbing Sam's arm and dragging him out of the room explaining that Cas was awake and they needed to get to him ASAP.

As they drove through the night, Dean suspected that uncovering that tablet thing probably had something to do with Cas being awake. There was just no way it was a coincidence. The fact that some rock could affect an angel like that really worried him.

But most of all Dean was just excited to see Cas again. He had missed him over the last few weeks. There was so much bad shit that had happened between them and Dean felt as though he'd been robbed of something. That one night so long ago had been…. a revelation, for lack of a better term, but Dean had never been given the chance to… revel in it.

That was the shit part of this life –yeah he saved people –but usually at the cost of his own happiness and as much as he tried not to be bothered by that, it still hurt sometimes that he didn't have any real kind of life.

There was never any reprieve from the killing, the evil, the driving for hours, the twists and turns in this fucked up plain of existence.

It was with a sudden jolt of clarity that he realized he and Cas would never get a chance to be happy, or to even figure out what the hell was going on between them.

Dean and relationships did not go hand-in-hand with this life. They never would. And he'd better come to terms with that before trying to start something that would just cause even more problems than they currently had.

He could feel his face pulled into a tight line as his thoughts grew more and more negative. It didn't escape his notice the way Sam kept looking over at him with concern.

About an hour before they reached the hospital, just as the sun was breaking over the horizon Sam finally broke the silence.

"Everything will work out in the end." Was all his little brother said and Dean felt the urge to laugh.

"Work out?" He humourlessly blew a breath out of his nose. "Sam… we are probably gonna die in the next five years in some bloody, painful way. Our lives, what we do –we were never meant to have something just for us. You get that right?" Yes, Dean was bitter. But could you really blame him?

"I know you don't believe it Dean, but I really think one day, everything will be okay." His brother sighed and fiddled with the phone he'd been holding in case Meg had called back.

"I don't know how I know that but I just…. I feel it. Ya' know?" Sam's voice was low as if scared that his big brother would destroy his view of the world reminding him that Santa wasn't real.

"Sammy… I want that for you. I really do. And I will do everything in my power to give you that life one day, but it's just…." His hands gripped the steering wheel to the point of pain. "It's not for me."

Sam's head whipped around in his direction, anger pulling his brows together, "Yeah?" He asked. "And what about Cas? If he is okay now, are you just gonna push him away?" Sam glared at him.

"Can we not talk about this?" Dean resolutely avoided looking at his brother.

"Dean, you told me yourself that you love him and I know he loves you. Yes it's unexpected and maybe a little weird, and who knows what will happen, but shit, don't tell me you're not even going to try? Don't be such an asshole." Sam turned away to look out the window and his body language clearly indicated he was done with the conversation.

That was fine by him. Dean knew he was being an asshole. There was definitely no argument there, but there was too much shit hitting the fan for him to try and make a relationship work. After everything they'd lived through, the one thing he really learned was that he couldn't have relationships. It was bad enough that Sam was his Achilles heal… he didn't need another one.

In fact, he was about one hundred and ten percent sure that if he started something with Cas, it would lead to one of them dying because that was just his luck and he was damn well not going to be responsible for Cas dying… again.

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** A/N: Sorry it took forever to update this one. Holidays, and then getting back on track with work and everything. I hope to keep updates a little more regular from here on out.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I had planned on spanning this out a bit longer but it was a natural break at the end and I need to work on another fic, so I hope you enjoy this Chapter. I find I enjoy writing crazy-cas.**

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Dean's hands shook by his sides and his body twitched with anxiety. Sam kept staring at him every so often as they walked through the halls of the institution. Thankfully, there was hardly any staff at that time of day and no one really paid them much attention. It was a little surprising considering they weren't exactly inconspicuous.

As they rounded the jam of the door to Cas' room, the first thing Dean saw was the back of Meg's head from where she was seated in the chair facing the man in white sat there on the edge of the bad. Dark brown hair – disheveled; blue eyes – cast downwards to his lap. It was Cas, alright.

Except something was _off. _He seemed distant.

"Meg." Dean announced and Sam nodded as she turned to face them.

"Hey boys. So I take it you've done something apocalyptic. Again." Her voice was laced with boredom. Just another life and death situation, totally boring. Dean rolled his eyes.

"What's wrong with him?" Dean asked, ignoring her question. He couldn't take his eyes off the way Cas was acting. His eyes staring down and his fingers fiddling with each other in his lap. The whole picture appeared so child-like.

"Well… see for yourself." Meg said as she swept an arm in Cas' direction.

"Clarence?" She said to get his attention. Cas looked up quickly in her direction and finally his eyes shifted over to him and Sam.

"You remember Sam and Dean, right?" Meg said as Cas just stared at them. There was amusement in his eyes but Dean wasn't sure if it was happiness at seeing them or just down-right crazy.

"Dean." Cas' voice seemed lighter, less deep than normal, and his eyes focused in on Dean.

The way Cas was staring him forced him to take a deep breath. The angel observed him like he wanted to _learn_ him… as if he were a subject in school. Cas studiously let his blue eyes travel up and down his body… more than once; taking everything in.

In the blink of an eye and with a subtle flutter of wings, Cas was standing less than a foot in front of him.

Dean could feel the heat from his body flare at his own skin through his clothes. It was a relief to see Cas doing anything. Especially considering the last time he'd seen him, but this was just … weird. Dean had no idea what to make of it.

Cas tilted his head and the gesture was so reminiscent of the first time they met… that is of course until Cas opened his mouth.

"I like it when you moan." The angel's words were monotonous – totally matter-of-fact - but highly damaging.

There was a beat of silence and then the only sound was Dean choking on his lungs. He turned to see Sam's jaw touching linoleum and in turning to look back at Cas he caught sight of Meg's evil smirk – it was a knowing smirk. Dean blinked nervously wondering what the hell Cas might have been saying before they'd arrived.

"Uhh.. yeah. Umm, Cas?" He nodded. _Good. Great._ "What do you remember?" Before Dean could even finish the last word, Cas was wildly shaking his head, muttering no, no, no…

Finally Dean reached out to hold him still, "Hey buddy. Hey? It's okay. No worries. Don't think about that."

Dean sent a wary look at his brother and Sam's concerned face was front and center.

_He's just as stumped as me… awesome._

Since Cas seemed to be okay with focusing on Dean, that's what Dean does.

"So… you, uhh, miss me?" He asked, moving his hands from Cas' head to grasp his shoulders.

He'd been so furious with Cas when they came to this place the first time. But as Dean looked at the broken, innocent angel in front him he could only feel the tightness in his chest. It burned and scratched no matter how much he tried to still be mad… he just couldn't. He was worried and scared.

Mostly, he wanted to run from Cas because he had no idea how to handle the angel in this state of mind. All that worry over not being able to have a relationship became moot.

Besides, Cas had done a lot for him and his brother, he owed it to him to be there. Cas needed him and it had been eating away at him knowing Meg had been taking care of his angel. Well, no more.

"No," Cas said and Dean frowned as he remembered the question he had asked. Cas scrunched his face and then added, "yes. I mean yes."

"Me too." Dean said, taking a step back to stretch down towards the floor for the duffel that he had dropped when they entered the room.

He unzipped the bag and pulled out the bundle of his coat that held the rock with chicken scratches on it.

When he stood up, he reached out to squeeze Cas' shoulder with his free hand. "Come sit with me?" Dean asked and made his way over to the bed.

He sat down and Cas plunked down beside him… directly beside him. Dean turned to look at Cas before continuing, worried at how much this might freak him out. Who knows what this thing could do to an angel?

Dean was blindsided by the sheer sincerity of the beaming smile that Cas was throwing his way. He tried to return the smile but the gesture only made his face hurt and he knew it must have looked all sorts of wrong.

Dean could feel Sam's bitch face directed at him and he knew Sam thought this was a bad idea, but regardless of how much he wanted to protect Cas the whole world was going to the crapper and they needed all the help they could get.

Dean started unfolding the layers of the jacket but stopped just short of last bit of sleeve covering the ancient stone.

"Cas, I know you're confused and I don't want to upset you but I need you to look at something for me okay?" He asked, hoping his voice sounded comforting.

"Of course." Cas sounded so much like his old self that Dean fazed for a second but then proceeded to remove the last piece of green cloth and held up the rock so Cas could see.

"Do you know what this is?" He asked slowly.

"It is a tablet." Dean breathed a sigh of relief that Cas hadn't freaked or evaporated. He was tempted to give a smug look in Sammy's direction but thought better of it.

"Can you tell me what it says?" Dean was hopeful given the way Cas was looking at the hunk of solid dirt.

"Apples. Sex… Bondage?" Cas shrugged, winking in Dean's direction at the last word and everyone in the room traded looks with one another not sure whether to be worried about Cas, or worried that he was actually reading the damn tablet.

"I'm sorry?" Dean pushed and reached out to pull the tablet back but Cas moved away from him.

"I don't know what it says." Cas admitted holding the thing up in front of his face. "It is the word of God. I don't speak God. Do I look like God to you?" He asked Dean and then smiled.

"Well… you did ask me once if I was God, I suppose that is why you are confused. You find me God-like." Cas rambled amusingly until Dean placed a hand on his knee to get his attention.

"Right… so you have no idea what this says then?" Dean needed to know for sure and so his tone may have been a little sharp. His patience was waning. "'Cause we could really use your help on this."

"I'm sorry I am so useless to you." Cas replied stonily and then vanished, the tablet dropping in pieces to the floor.

"Fuck." Dean said, his patience disappearing as fast as the angel had.

He didn't know how to handle Cas like this. He wanted to get mad for the angel acting so '_not_-_Cas'_ but he knew it wouldn't help the matter. It was probably why he was getting so angry in the first place. He had sped to this damn hospital hoping to find the person that he'd been missing, and instead he got… whoever that guy was.

"Dean, what the hell are we gonna do now?" Sam asked, staring at the broken "Word-of-God" in frustration and clearly a little pissed at Dean.

"I don't friggin' know! Meg – where the hell did he go?" He asked praying that Cas wasn't half-way around the world.

"Best guess – the day room downstairs. It's where he's been flying to anytime he gets upset." She clarified and Dean took off, leaving Sam and the demon to stew in the stale room.

When he found Cas, the angel was seated at a small table with a large stack of games next to him. Dean approached slowly and felt stupid that he felt the need to tip-toe around someone who'd always been so fierce and monumental to him.

"Hi." He smiled as he sat down and Cas watched the movement with wide eyes.

"I'm sorry, okay? You're not useless to me… you know that." Dean hoped he was being reassuring but realized he sounded vaguely condescending.

They stared at each other quietly and then Cas smiled, breaking the weird tension and Dean sighed.

"I am sorry too, Dean." Cas spoke while rummaging through a cardboard box with a boatload of colours on the front.

"For what?" Dean's forehead wrinkled wondering what Cas might be apologizing for.

"I know what I did. I'm sorry." He then started arranging the contents of the box, a board game of some sort.

"Play with me." Cas instructed and passed him the dice.

Dean had no clue what game this was and didn't really care, he rolled the dice but maintained his focus on Cas.

"How do you feel?" He ventured as Cas moved some of the pawns around.

"Light and fluffy." Cas replied and then laughed.

_Okay…_

"Riiight.. I don't know how much of you is still _you_. I don't know what to say, and there is a lot going on right now so I'm sorry if I'm hard on you." Dean was given the dice as he spoke and he rolled again automatically.

"I don't like the world right now…but I like you." Cas wiggled his eyebrows and pushed the dice back towards Dean.

"Yeah.. the world sucks right now, but I need you to be strong okay?" Dean reached across the board-game and grabbed Cas' hand, trying to be supportive.

"Can't we just leave here together and forget it all?" Cas asked him and the solemn look Dean was given tore at him.

"You can leave with me, of course, but you know we can't ignore what's happening out there. I wouldn't let anything happen to you. You know that, right?" Dean said.

Cas had been tracing patterns on the back of his hand and it was almost too much. How could he protect Cas like this? Cas was being sweet towards him and if everything had been normal, Dean would have pushed him away because he knew better, but this Cas needed _him_, not Meg or Sam.

He felt stuck between a rock and a hard place –worried that no matter what decision he made – it would be the wrong one.

"Yes." Cas agreed quietly.

Between one breath and the next, Dean found himself arms-full of angel. Cas had transported himself directly into Dean's lap, arms wrapped around his neck, his face looking down into Dean's eyes.

Dean was having a hard time getting a grip on the sudden warring moods of the new Cas. The sweet, touchy-feely stuff he liked. He hated himself for liking it, but he did all the same. It was the skittish, childish crap that annoyed him.

"Hey." Dean smiled up at him.

"I'm not crazy." Cas said suddenly as if reading his mind, his voice returning to its normal timbre.

"Seriously, are you okay? What's wrong?" Dean tried to figure it out. Cas was himself one second, the next he was all sweet-as-pie, the next he was just vamoose! It made his head spin.

"I'm… it's strange, Dean. I don't know. I feel lost." Cas frowned and it was obvious that he was having a hard time figuring himself out and it worried him.

Dean automatically started rubbing his back. The action just seemed like the right thing to do. They were so very far from the night that began in the alley. What began as something so desperate and twisted had mutated into anger and distrust and now they were suddenly in some make-believe land of happy bunnies of sweetness.

Cas was suddenly sniggering and his head was dipped low against Dean's neck. The breath against the thin skin made Dean's blood shoot up several degrees.

"What's so funny?" Dean asked, trying not to react to Cas like this. So … happy.

Ignorant and heedless for sure… but _happy_.

"Your thoughts. They were amusing. Do you prefer me throwing you up against a wall and having my way with you, or seated complacently on your lap?" Cas asked and _literally_ wiggled his ass against Dean's crotch.

"Uhm! Stop that." Dean blurted. It wasn't that he didn't want Cas, but they just couldn't do this. He'd stupidly assumed that Cas being 'Crazy-Cas' wouldn't create a problem anywhere in the realm of relationship-territory. Clearly this was not the case.

"Deeaannn…"Cas friggin' whined and repeated the action.

Ok, now this was getting weird, thought Dean. How the fuck was he supposed to destroy an entire population of monsters, and deal with the evidently horny juvenile sitting on his lap.

He groaned in frustration and ran a hand over his face in an attempt to wipe away the crazy that was coming at him from all sides.

"Cas let's just take you home, okay?" He said pushing Cas up off of him, but grabbing his hand to lead him back upstairs.

When they turned the corner on the upper floor and noticed a flickering of lights, Dean was instantly on red-alert.

He ran down the hall, pulling the gun from its spot tucked into the back of his jeans, and got ready for anything.

He bolted into the room gun first, aiming chest height, but found he was poised to fire at absolutely nothing.

Cas was still beside him but looking about ready to bolt.

"Cas.. c'mon, stay with me buddy." He squeezed the angel's hand reassuringly. "Do you know where Sam went?" He asked softly.

"He's outside chasing the prophet." Cas replied, his eyes darting all around.

"Can you take me there?" Dean asked and was doubting Cas would even do it when he found himself appearing a few paces behind his behemoth brother chasing down some scrawny Asian kid.

Cas wasn't with him anymore and he was worried, but that would have to wait.

When they finally managed to tackle Kevin – "Advanced Placement" – to the ground and realized they found the one person who could actually read the stupid rock, the decided it was time to get moving.

Rounding up Kevin, the rock (now miraculously whole again), and Cas (who Dean found playing Twister…by himself), they were ready to go. Meg was with them and after a heated debate between him and Sam, it was Cas who had made the final decision of whether she could come.

"She's my caretaker." Cas stated resolutely. "She comes too." And since there was no arguing with the angel, they were all crammed into the Impala.

Dean and Sam in the front, Cas, Meg, and Kevin in the back. Dean watched in amusement as Cas repeatedly annoyed Kevin, and occasionally Sam.

It was a long drive back to Rufus' cabin, and Dean was proud to say that only three times was he tempted to kick anyone out of the car.

Once was for Meg who threatened to kill Sam because he was tall and left no room for her in the backseat. The other two times were both because Cas was saying really inappropriate things, such as:

_Dean you have a wonderful flavour._

Dean had almost driven the car into oncoming traffic on that one. Or…

_Our sexual encounter was really one-sided. I feel cheated._

Meg had laughed, whereas Sam looked as though he might barf. Kevin had simply freaked at that point: "Who the hell are you people?!"

All in all… it was a loooong drive. When they finally made it back to the small cabin, it was decided that Sam would have the couch, Meg didn't sleep, and Kevin was in the back room (door locked cause "advanced placement" was a definite flight risk), and finally Cas and Dean in the only remaining bedroom.

Cas didn't sleep of course but that didn't stop him from pushing his way under the covers to join Dean.

Dean sighed and tried to ignore the angel staring at him out of the corner of his eye.

After what felt like an hour of convincing Cas to just close his eyes and lay there quietly, Dean finally found himself starting to drift off to sleep. His thoughts as his brain shut down for the night were borderline positive.

Maybe it was because Cas was beside him in bed and Dean could keep him safe there… or maybe it was the full house, or having his brother with him, or the adopted kid in the back bedroom… whatever it was… it felt _nice. _

Then again, there was still a demon guarding the front door… Dean smiled in his sleep dreaming of a demon at the door and an angel under the sheets.

* * *

**A/N: Almost Friday! Next chapter will revolve around strategy and going after Dick Roman. **


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